I’m making out like a burglar this week.

Don’t know why I’m doing my own work. The way I’m going I could hire Donald Trump, get him some bigger hands, and put him to work doing my drywall. On my private island.

I’m particularly interested to learn that over a hundred billion people surf the Internet on a regular basis. For one reason or another.

Wonder where they’re all hiding?


Attn: Lucky Winner ,

We are pleased to inform you that one of the best things that can happen to any Internet user is to be rewarded for spending money and time on the Internet. You may not have known that over one hundred billion people daily surf the Internet on regular basis for one reason or other. These Internet users including yourself, pay access fees to various Internet Service Providers (ISP) all over the word who in turn remit surplus funds to the numerous World Wide Internet Technology Companies (WWITC) for the development and advancement of Global Information Technology.

So much money is generated from people like you all over the World for using the Information Superhighway (the Internet) without your being aware the enormous sum that go to the stake holders (WWITC). Without your patronage, this would not have been possible. After we conducted a research on the issue, we concluded that Internet users should be compensated. As a result, we embarked on a worldwide lottery promotion with a sophisticated automated database to randomly select E-mail accounts that frequently surf the Internet. Consequent upon this, your E-mail address was picked for Category “A” Winners.

After the automated computer ballot, your E-mail address emerged as a winner in the category “A” with the following numbers attached
Ref Number: EH 9590 OG 0612,
Batch Number: 563881545-ES/2017

You and other category A winners are therefore to receive a cash prize of $3,000,000.00 (Three Million United States Dollars) from the total payout of One Billion US Dollars earmarked in the lottery for category A winners. Your prize award has been insured with your E-mail address, which qualified you for the lottery and will be transferred to you upon meeting our requirements, statutory obligations, verifications, validations and satisfactory proof of E-mail address ownership.

To file in for the processing of your winning cash prize, you are advised to contact our certified
and accredited claims agent for category “A” winners with the information below:


You are advised to provide him with the following information:

First name:
Last Name:
Telephone/Fax number:
Country Presently Located:
Ref Number:
Batch Number:

NOTE: All winnings must be claimed not later than 14 days, thereafter unclaimed funds would be forfeited after a trio repeated forwarding of this message to you without your response. Remember to quote your reference information in all correspondence.

You are to keep all lotto information confidential, especially your reference numbers and the password of your E-mail address. Since we do not know you, if an impostor hacks your E-mail account ID and claims your money without our knowledge, we shall not be liable. Double claims will not be entertained so be careful. Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as soon as possible.

Congratulations!!! And thank you for being a user of the World Wide Web.

Martina Carlos,
Netherlands Lottery Co-ordinator!!

My spammers are getting a bit long-winded, don’t you think?

Ah, well. Back to work.

About Joel

You shouldn't ask these questions of a paranoid recluse, you know.
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5 Responses to I’m making out like a burglar this week.

  1. Kentucky says:

    I’m waiting for the one that says:

    “I have your million dollars in small bills. Meet me in the far corner of the Big Box parking lot at noon. Feel free to bring armed friends with you if you feel it necessary. I already know what you look like, so ID won’t be necessary. I’ll be the guy in the bright orange T-shirt, sitting on top of a bright yellow Ford Super Duty pickup . . . unarmed.”

  2. Bear says:

    The Internet is apparently broader in scope than I realized. How many exoplanets must be wired to reach 100 billion people? And dayum, the latency on those interstellar backbones must be nasty.

  3. Ben says:

    “over one hundred billion people daily surf the Internet on regular basis”

    Since the world population is around 7.5 billion, one must wonder who those other 92.5 billion web surfers are.

  4. Jeremy says:

    And the second video that is even better.


To the stake with the heretic!