See, a headline like this is just Joel bait.

Turns out the Guardian was only screwing with my head.

Death of Queensland’s largest crocodile in 30 years could spark violent power grab

And right away I’m thinking, okay, in what way does a dead crocodile send bureaucrats and/or politicians on a violent power frenzy, right? Somebody shot the croc and now they’re droning the few remaining private-sector gun owners? The croc attacked somebody and now they’re fighting over who will ban water? Violence against whom, exactly? Because if a bunch of government bigwigs started a feud among themselves with guns and a body count, that would be worth watching. You could stream it on Netflix or something and set up your carriage. “Battle of the Queensland MPs!” It’d be like minting money.

My imagination soared: This is Queensland, which – as everyone knows* – is in Australia. So perhaps the violence won’t involve uncouth American innovations like guns, but iocane powder! Yes, or knives, or aboriginal weapons. I could sit back at this moment and lose myself in warm visions of pompous solons attempting to have at each other with atlatls and absurdly long darts…

But no. I had to go read the actual article.

A massive saltwater crocodile – said to be one of the biggest ever seen in Queensland – has been found shot dead and experts fear its demise could lead to other crocodiles becoming more aggressive as young males fight for supremacy.

Oh, the crocodiles may become violent. Well. Where’s the fun in that?


*Yeah, I looked it up. Get off my lawn.

About Joel

You shouldn't ask these questions of a paranoid recluse, you know.
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14 Responses to See, a headline like this is just Joel bait.

  1. Robert says:

    “the crocodiles may become violent” “Where’s the fun in that?”
    Easy peasy: throw the pompous solons in with ’em.

    OT: A coworker without access to a work pc asked me to look up something on Australia. We were under quite intrusive video surveillance at the time. Turns out I didn’t know how to spell Australia. The resulting website was extremely pornographic. The average human male hands are insufficient for obscuring the typical work computer screen. They do leave sweaty handprints, though.

  2. Brass says:

    Damned cold-blooded reptiles that feed off the dumb and unsuspecting.

  3. MamaLiberty says:

    I was telling someone the other day about how entertaining it is to see so many democrats (among others) openly sniping at Hitlery these days. And Pelosi! How neat to see her melting down into gibberish and irrelevancy. And I was thinking about this promise by Trump to “drain the swamp.” It would be a lot more fun to watch all the politicians and bureaucrats being tossed into the swamp instead. Florida has alligators, I know, but are there crocodiles as well?

  4. Cause if the big guy had just choked to death on something or went feeble or died of old age, the rest of the crocs would have an open, democratic election like usual for the peaceful transfer of power. Unless the damned Russians screw it up.


  5. Andrew says:

    Mama Liberty,

    Yes, we have crocodiles in Florida.

    Besides the native Floridian crocs, some jerks have managed to let some Nile crocs loose, and they apparently bred. Thanks, inconsiderate assholes, like we don’t have enough problems with just all the other exotic asshole animals y’all have ‘set free’ down here.

    We also have had some instances of South American camen (think croc who really needs to go to the orthodontist) found in the wild, though no reports of those things breeding here, yet. Thank God.

    No salt-water crocs from Australia yet. Yet. I am sure some asshole somewhere is eagerly awaiting the opportunity to release a bunch of ‘salties’ down here, probably in order to eat the now-semi-native boas and pythons… (sarcasm, of course, maybe, I don’t really know, stupid people are everywhere, especially in South Florida…)

    Our native Floridian crocs, by the way, are usually found in salty or brackish water, in mangrove swamps at the south end of our peninsula. Most of Florida only, I repeat, only, has to put up with the normal alligators (or as some old guys call them, ‘poodle eaters.’ I love the idiots who move down here, build a mcmansion next to a swamp, and let LeFluffie out into the yard to go play by the water, and then freak out and try to call in the National Guard when their precious pet gets munched on. Some people, I swear. Bless their little hearts.

    And, yeah, the swamp reptiles do get very energetic when some old bull gator is harvested or dies of natural causes (okay, never really seen that happen, damn things seem to live until someone kills them.) They also get extra-specially full of fun when their environment changes rapidly, like from an extended drought or sudden flooding. Gators everywhere, all pissed off, trying to find water or to escape water. It’s so much fun. Especially when some idiot mistakes the swamp lizard for a piece of tire in the road (lizard may die, but they mess the undercarriage of cars up something fierce, and you’ve never heard a bunch of girls scream until you see a gator get flipped into a convertible full of sorority sisters.)

    Other than that, Florida is really boring, nothing ever happens here, please don’t try to move here to increase the excitement level, nothing to see, move it along….

  6. feralfae says:

    . . . and no hurricanes, evah!

    Oh, Lord! Have not laughed so much in days! The entire story, the premise of the author of the original article, and the levels of very strange behavior out there these days is astounding. I am laughing robustly. Amusing memories of traveling Alligator Alley a few times.
    ML, good to see you. Sending email.

  7. Andrew says:


    Used to be that running over snakes on Alligator Alley, though frowned upon, was okay. Now, considering the size of some of the ‘new’ snakes, and the lack of size of a lot of ‘new’ cars, the outcome is suddenly in the snakes’ favor.

    Weird is the nicest thing I can say about South Florida.

  8. MamaLiberty says:

    Oh Andrew, rest assured that I have zero interest in even visiting Florida, let alone moving there. I am much happier in NE Wyoming, with the bears, mountain lions, wolves and assorted road hazards like deer and elk. 🙂 Oh yeah… and no hurricanes. LOL

  9. Andrew says:


    Hurricanes, smuricanes. Rather deal with them than a ‘windy’ day out west. I have been in central Texas, dead central Texas, Burnett TX to be exact, and watched dried cowpatties get picked up by the ‘windy’ day winds and fly around like crap frisbies. Weirdest shit I’ve ever seen.

    And having lived through one frozen Christmas, listening to the cars slide on the ice on the interstate a mile from my home, well, screw frozen weather. And especially blizzards. At least when the power dies during a hurricane it just gets hot. There’s a reason the ‘Viking’ Hel is a frozen wind-swept plain.

    And I had a high school teacher (from Sebastian, FL) whose first teaching job was in Buffalo, NY. He was confused why the snowmobile ‘garage’ was above the regular garage, and why there was a ‘garage door on the 2nd floor that accessed the ‘snowmobile garage.; Until the first winter ‘lake effect’ snow…

    As to Florida, if we could just chop it off along the I-4 corridor, from Daytona to Tampa, with a few places like the spacecoast staying and the rest of the lower part floating away, well, I’d be happy.

  10. MamaLiberty says:

    Each to his/her own, Andrew. 🙂 A few hours in Florida heat and humidity would likely kill me. I’ll take Wyoming any day. The best part, for me, is being retired. When it snows and blows, I just snuggle up to the wood stove and stay home.

  11. Andrew says:


    True, true.

    But my freakishly long fingers and toes canna handle the cold weather anymore. The rest of me? I could be (wait, I have) out in a snow storm with shorts and a t-shirt on, and my ears covered. Fingers and toes? They ache so bad I have to soak them in hot, hot, really hot water to take the pain out.

    I’ll stick to North Florida, where we actually get 4 seasons. No, really, quit laughing, really.

    Warm to hot and Muggy and Wet – Spring.

    Hot to Gawd-Hot and Muggy – Summer.

    Warm to Hot and Muggy with chance of Hurricanes – Fall.

    Friggin Cold, windy and, Oh-My-God Muggy-what the hell is up with the -6,000 windchill factor this is supposed to be Florida….

  12. MamaLiberty says:

    Aren’t we all glad that everyone doesn’t want to live in the same place? LOL

  13. Joel says:

    That’s what makes life grand! And less crowded.

To the stake with the heretic!