She doesn’t do it as well as Bill, but she does do it better than Donald.

So this week both our beloved presidential candidates were called upon to display their Jesus card. Clinton, quite prepared for this elementary exercise in wholesale politics, just called for her I’m Very Religious Speech #4: Black Baptist Preachers.

“My study of the Bible, my many conversations with people of faith, has led me to believe the most important commandment is to love the Lord with all your might and to love your neighbor as yourself, and that is what I think we are commanded by Christ to do,” [Clinton’s speechwriter] said, according to the New York Times. “There is so much more in the Bible about taking care of the poor, visiting the prisoners, taking in the stranger, creating opportunities for others to be lifted up, to find faith themselves that I think there are many different ways of exercising your faith.”

No one believed this, of course. Hillary’s been in the national eye since Bill’s first prez campaign, and everybody knows the only time she ever darkens the door of a church is while attending the funeral of an enemy*. Meanwhile her new minion VP-Elect What’shisname professed to be dazzled, nay, temporarily blinded by the sheer astonishing magnitude of Her Satanic Majesty’s piety:

“Some of you know this story. She was a Midwestern Methodist church kid. Now, I know a lot of those Midwestern Methodist church kids growing up. And there is a beautiful sense of duty,” said Kaine, according to a transcript sent to The Christian Post by the Hillary Clinton campaign.

“I think a lot of you know Hillary very well, either from her time in Arkansas, her time as first lady, her time as senator, time as secretary of state. That Methodist connection, that beautiful sense of duty, the obligation to others, that is the root of everything she does.”

Well, except for some of the more violent or treasonous felonies.

Meanwhile Donald Trump, tyro that he is, couldn’t help displaying his biggest weakness as a politician as well as the closest thing he has to an endearing quality: He just can’t even pretend not to be a nekulturny jerk. So instead of staffing out a speech on his long-time sideline of curing the halt and the blind and endowing churches for the poor, he just…hired a TV preacher to lie for him. 😀

Her relationship with Donald Trump started with a random phone call, and now, after fourteen years, she knows a man who is “hungry in his heart” for the Word of God, televangelist Paula White said Thursday.

In the past, the Republican nominee for president has said he has a “great relationship” with God, but the details of his faith has remained largely unknown. White, speaking to CNN’s Erin Burnett, gave a window into the billionaire’s journey with Christianity, telling the host Trump is actually “much more hungry for God in his heart than I think people would imagine.”

I’m sure that’ll convince everybody, Donald.

Wait, the scores are coming in. The Russian judge has been thrown out for doping, but I believe – yes – the remaining judges have given that round to Clinton, for a rather basic but very solid performance. They also humbly request that some of their relatives be released.

___
*And that she didn’t burst into flames in the process is solid proof that “hallowed ground” is a myth.