“Will we have throw pillows after the apocalypse? Because I think not.”

…Said I. To which Landlady replied,

“[L] will have throw pillows after the apocalypse. And they’ll be lovely.”

Me: “Okay, yeah. I forgot about [L]. So yes, there will be throw pillows after the apocalypse. Just not here.”

Landlady: “Takes all kinds to ride out the end of the world as we know it.”

This is not, believe it or not, the sort of conversation we typically have here at [Joel’s Gulch,] the “hard and holy place whose very name is never spoken.” While – I think – originally conceived as a fairly conventional BOL by an assortment of otherwise unassociated people, the Gulch has evolved into a place where people actually live, or at least plan to live upon retirement. Living on after the end of western civilization is not much discussed, because duh. But our Sunday morning coffee conversation during this weekend’s Landlady visit was dominated by the topic.

I gathered this came about as a result of conversations she’d been lately having with citified associates, of the “I know what I’m doing when the zombies come, I’m coming with you” variety. And y’know, when it’s co-workers who raise that point you can imagine dressing them out and freezing the carcasses or turning them into jerky or something. Or at least telling them Hell No. But when it’s family? Landlady has family. Ian has family. D&L have family. Even I have a sort of dessicated remnant of family. Are you really going to turn them away? Because I think you’re not.

And why are people having this discussion now, of all times? Who even needs to ask?

The response to these two, repeated over and over at water coolers real and metaphorical all across this great land of ours, seems to be either “One of these two will bring about the apocalypse,” or “Please, god, bring about the apocalypse and save us from these two.” Hard to say which viewpoint is winning.

But suddenly everybody’s talking about The Apocalypse like it’s 1999.

Along with frivolous discussion of throw pillows and post-apocalypse decor, of course the conversation moved to the more serious matter of food stores. And I had a minor revelation:
For years and years I’ve preached “Store what you eat, eat what you store, and rotate rotate rotate.” Generally I still think it’s good advice but there’s a caveat I never seriously considered because it doesn’t fit my situation: What if you’re stocking a remote location? What if you really are doing the classic BOL thing and won’t be eating your stores down? Then you need to emphasize storability, rodent proofing and shelf life above such considerations as familiarity and palatability.

And as the conversation really had turned in that direction I had that revelation I mentioned: Landlady, the most pragmatic of women, was actually turning her mind back to the possibility of bugging out in a way I don’t think she’s done for almost 20 years.

An amusing mind game, sure, to some extent. but still … Imagine living through The Donald or Her Satanic Majesty actually running the show for four or eight years and not planning for the end of the world, if only as a respite.

That’s just dumb. Seriously, that’s Gunkid dumb.

About Joel

You shouldn't ask these questions of a paranoid recluse, you know.
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11 Responses to “Will we have throw pillows after the apocalypse? Because I think not.”

  1. B says:


    Gee haven’t heard of him in ages and ages.

    You must be old. I mean, wasn’t that from usenet?

    Or was it GlockTalk?

    I forget, but it was a LONG time ago….

  2. Ben says:

    I’m not clear here Joel. I think that you are suggesting that we should store a few throw pillows in secure, rat-proof storage so we will be set for the zombie apocalypse…right?

    And oh yes, we should rotate them regularly.

  3. Joel says:

    Yes, young padawan. The secret is out: survival of the zombie apocalypse will require lots and lots of throw pillows.

    Tassels optional, except for Elvis fans.

  4. Joel says:

    B, Gunkid must have hit every gun or survivalist forum on the entire internet at least once during his illustrious career. Spent more time getting past bannings than he did spouting abusive gibberish. I think it’s fair to say that during Gunkid’s heyday a forum admin couldn’t consider him- or herself to have truly arrived into that station until having dealt with at least one Gunkid Apocalypse.

    Wouldn’t be surprised to hear that he started out in Usenet, he was that mindlessly compulsive.

  5. jed says:

    I don’t own any throw pillows. My plan for the apocalypse is to go looting at Bed Bath and Beyond. While everyone else is busy emptying the shelves at Alberstson’s, it’ll be a cakewalk to grab whatever housewares I need. Not just throw pillows, but duvet covers, and fair-trade doormats.

    Do you prefer the throw pillows in traditional woodland, or do you think one of the new digital camouflage patterns is better? There are so many choices, it’s difficult to decide.

    As an aside, over in my usual browsing environment, the youtube links are getting jumbled around, so they’re embedded in the wrong posts. For example, in this post, it’s the Toner laughing clip. The Conan vid is in two places. I have no idea why this would be. In single-post viewing, it seems the correct clips are where they should be. Hmmm, I’ll have to see how reproducible this is. Maybe it isn’t this vs. that browser, maybe it’s mutli- vs. single post view.

  6. Norman says:

    Storing throw pillows in anticipation of the apocalypse is just silly; it’s much more efficient to store the polyester fiberfill in a compressed state and stack the unfilled covers in the bunker, banded tightly on a pallet. Do you have any idea how much fiberfill can be packed into 55 gallon drums? A couple drums and two or three pallets of covers would allow you to absolutely dominate the throw pillow market post-apocalypse, maybe even internationally.

    What a bunch of amateurs. I bet you’re also ignoring plastic slipcovers, placemats and doilies, too.

  7. coloradohermit says:

    We have throw pillows, so now I need to learn the most effective means of throwing them. Overhand, underhand, frisbie style, two handed….? Is there a youtube tutorial out there?

  8. Joel says:

    Jed, it seems the pattern of the throw pillow is not as important as that there must be throw pillows. Personally I’d go with the digital, but that’s only so it would match my drapes.

  9. jed says:

    I was sort of thinking they could be multi-purpose. Suppose I want to tie one to my tactical sweater vest, to use as a plate carrier. Wouldn’t it help if it were usefully camouflaged?

    @coloradohermit: I prefer throwing them using a trebuchet. However, I think that you should use whatever works best for you. There will be times when different techniques will be more useful, e.g. if you need to lob a pillow over a rampart, underhand with a high release might be the best approach. But frisbee style might work better if you’re trying to sling one into a machine gun nest.

  10. coloradohermit says:

    Thank you jed. 😉

  11. Judy says:

    Thank-you for all the throw pillow info. I can see I am totally remiss in that area of my survival/defense stores, as I have none. Can bed pillows be substituted? I have plenty of those!

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