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They say that Louis XIV had the inscription Ultima Ratio Regum cast into all the cannon of the French Army. It means “The Ultimate Argument of Kings,” and that always struck me as one of the most honest and up-front things any ruler or would-be ruler ever said. “We can dress it up prettier than this, but when it comes down to the unvarnished truth this is what it’s about: You’ll do as I say or I’ll send my goons to kill you.”
I thought about that for a long time. If there’s an ultimate argument, it seems only logical that there must be an ultimate answer. For years I thought the ultimate answer must be the bullets in my rifle, but it never seemed quite right. I’ve got bullets – he’s got frigging Cannon Balls. I mean, if there were three hundred million rifles throwing bullets at him, then maybe. But we all know that’s not going to happen. So if there’s an ultimate answer to his ultimate argument, it sure as hell ain’t bullets.
It finally came to me – and that’s when I abandoned the city and most of my stuff, and gave all that was behind me a good stiff Randian Shrug.
The ultimate answer to kings is not a bullet, but a belly laugh.
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Author Archives: Joel
Oh god, etc.
M found out yesterday evening that the steel for his house wouldn’t be ready until later in the week, so there wasn’t any point in his driving to the city to pick it up. I admit I was looking forward … Continue reading
Good News!
M went to meet the building inspector at his site, roughly the same way one goes to meet one’s executioner. He’d already been on the phone with the inspector to ask questions, like “Do you think 5/8″ rebar would work … Continue reading
Oh, god, oh, god…
The next person who tells me he wants to build an earth-bermed house … gets it. Unless I’m not obligated to help him build it, in which case he can do whatever he wants.Poor M. He’s suffering for his choices, … Continue reading
When Cops Become Self-Supporting
This story has been all over the tubz the past couple of days: JERICHO, Ark. – It was just too much, having to return to court twice on the same day to contest yet another traffic ticket, and Fire Chief … Continue reading
Yeah, it’s just that kind of day…
Kinda trapped indoors today. It should be a great weekend: M’s parents are visiting, and they’re interesting and very pleasant folks. The landlady got here today, and that’s always a treat. But it started raining around 11 and doesn’t look … Continue reading
Local News can be weird!
This story is completely true. I’m being deliberately vague, because too much info would yield – well, too much info. So a few months ago, M and I took a tire to get it repaired at the shop in the … Continue reading
So you didn’t believe me? About the rock?
Yeah, that’s a big rock. One of three, to be precise, since fortunately we were able to break it into barely-dealwithable pieces. And not the thing you want to find two hours into a four-hour digging marathon in the nice … Continue reading
A Song of Desert Suckage
[old-timey blues voice] Well I moved to the desert(duh DAH dah dum)And I took a look around(duh DAH dah dum)Shoulda ran back to the city(duh DAH dah dum)Without making a sound!Cause I got the bluuuuesI got the desert suckage blues!I … Continue reading
Digga we Musta
We’ve been working on all the preps for M’s foundation. Having finished the framing, we discovered that either the frames were too low or the ground was too high – take your pick, but it wouldn’t work as it was. … Continue reading
This and that
My little buddy’s growth spurts have gotten kind of selective, and generally slowed down. I still don’t know how big he’s going to end up, but my fears about needing wider doorways have slacked off a big. Lately he’s been … Continue reading
From the “Some things just never get old” department
Story Update: I confess I don’t know how old this update is, but it’s funny as hell anyway.
National Make Yourself Feel Real Good About Yourself Day
So I get this letter from President and Mrs. Obama, telling me of an exciting new opportunity. They’re from the government, and they’re here to help me…help them. Or something: I confess I’m a bit fuzzy on the details. Details … Continue reading
Michael Jackson…
Still Dead Today. Jackson’s doctor, Conrad Murray, told investigators that he gave the pop star a series of drugs starting with Valium and then Lorazepam, followed by a sedative – all so Jackson would be able to sleep. The drugs … Continue reading
‘Cause I’m the Taxman…
Is ‘Friending’ in Your Future? Better Pay Your Taxes First Tax deadbeats are finding someone actually reads their MySpace and Facebook postings: the taxman. State revenue agents have begun nabbing scofflaws by mining information posted on social-networking Web sites, from … Continue reading
Yeah, still got nothing.
Fact is, it’s just been a slow week around the gulch. Which is the way I like it, but doesn’t make for scintillating blogbait. This oldie-but-goodie is fun, though…
Quote of the Day, fer shur…
Yeah, I can’t leave it alone. I’m sorry…I just can’t. I did try. A little. If there really is a just and loving God, Mary Jo Kopechne just got issued a ball gag, a blowtorch, a pair of pliers, and … Continue reading
Senator-for-Life Ted Kennedy…
…has left the building. Oh, the temptation. The temptation! Six brazillian insulting images on the intartubz, in honor of a man so richly deserving of insult! But I…will be a good boy. Today.Don’t go away mad, Ted. Just…well, I’m genuinely … Continue reading
Apropos of nothing in particular…
I’m sittin’ here bein’ all Deep and Thoughtful and Stuff because it’s easier than working, which is what I’m supposed to be doing. Blog-crawling with one hand over a keyboard and the other wrist-deep in a pizza plate full of … Continue reading
We’re from the government, Ma’am. We know what we’re doing.
This is too funny. JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. (AP) — A law taking effect this week could make criminals out of those who bring Tupperware onto many Missouri rivers. The law was intended to reduce the floating debris from abandoned foam … Continue reading









































