Hey, remember the Christmas tree tax?

It’s back.

Now, here’s the glorious irony of the Christmas tree tax. In theory, this doesn’t affect me in any way because I’ve never bought a Christmas tree in my life. The tax is a 15 cent (at the moment) assessment on the sale of trees to fund a program “to enhance the image of Christmas trees and the Christmas tree industry in the United States.” I did not make that up.

I presume the purpose of the program is to sell more trees. But you get less of what you tax, so of course the program will have the opposite effect. To promote the success of the program, administrators will double-down on it, which will cost more money. When the overall cost of Christmas trees has risen, say, 25-50%, the market will show signs of stress. Meanwhile manufacturers of artificial trees will see a sales boom.

The Christmas tree industry will demand (and if it greases the proper palms, receive) relief from the unfair competition of the artificial tree industry – which may be in league with the NRA and possibly even Tea Party terrorists, though this will merely be implied. The punitive taxes placed on artificial tree manufacturers will be applied to natural Christmas tree subsidies. Around this time, administrative costs for complying with new Department of Agriculture regulations and applying for the subsidies will drive all but the most connected Christmas tree growers out of business entirely.

With the wildly increased costs of government compliance and the sharply-reduced supply, the price of Christmas trees in shopping mall parking lots will of course skyrocket. People determined to have Christmas trees will find alternate lines of supply, like going out in the woods and cutting them down themselves. To combat this new crime wave, the Department of Natural Resources will require new heavily-armed law enforcement assets to protect the government-owned trees. This will require massive new sources of revenue, which cannot be supplied by the now-nonexistent Christmas tree industry. (Which, oddly, will continue to employ high-paid lobbyists until the final collapse of the republic. No one will ever quite know what they do.)

The purchase of Christmas trees will be declared mandatory by the lavishly-funded office of the Department of Holiday Tree Quality and Sales Compliance Enforcement. The term “Christmas tree” will be forbidden by law as discriminatory, for the requirement for annual purchase will apply to all regardless of race, creed or color.

Somehow or other, it will all end with armored law enforcement officers in my yard, shooting my dogs. Maybe because I refused the new federal mandate to show proof of purchase of a (legal) Christmas Holiday tree, which can now only be imported from Scandinavia. Which was invaded and occupied after rumored acts of tree-related terrorism threatened to disrupt vital Christmas Holiday tree supply lines.