I have thoroughly investigated myself, and the report clears me of all wrongdoing.

Yes, there is a pit filled with the bones of roasted children, but it’s been there for years. There are reports of a convention of Planned Parenthood officials held in the area some time ago. And that busload of cheerleaders was enslaved in strict compliance with all Secret Lair policies existing at the time. The involved personnel have been subjected to disciplinary promotions, and no further action is contemplated at this time. These proceedings were carried out according to precedents established by the Federal Department of Justice Office of Professional Responsibility.