FDA: Billions of adults who filched cookie dough as children could suddenly drop dead.

Be afraid! Be very afraid! Of everything! Everything can kill you! Only government can save you!

Maybe you’ve swiped a bite of raw cookie dough while preparing a batch to bake. Or perhaps you’ve let your children lick the batter from the cake bowl, or use homemade “play dough” to make crafts. But even if the dough is free of raw eggs, which you think might give you a pass, don’t eat it.

Yesterday, the Food and Drug Administration issued a message warning people not to eat raw dough because of a recent outbreak of E. coli linked to contaminated flour.

I sit in wonder, perplexed as to how our species ever survived without the FDA. There were several years, weren’t there? Between the first ground-dwelling hominids and global nanny government? Maybe even decades. How did they ever manage?