“Thousands of spirit limbs are haunting as many good soldiers, every now and then tormenting them.”
Y’know, I was thinking just the other day that the phantom pain thing hasn’t been much of a problem lately. But I woke before dawn after a bizarre dream where the sun had reversed in the sky and I was magically (and involuntarily, I assure you) transported back to 2003 which was not a banner year in my life. Then as if the dream were some sort of premonition I was blasted awake by a sensation in my left foot as if…well, I’ve never been able to describe it because it isn’t like anything that could actually happen. It’s just something my severed nerve endings are making up. It’s just…pain. In intensity, imagine if somebody grabbed one of your toes with red-hot pliers and gave it a twist with superhuman strength. Without warning. But it’s not really like that, it’s like something else. Just for a few seconds.
It stopped. It’s often just a sudden blast, goes away as quick as it comes. But often it recurs. Two or three minutes later, just as I drifted back to sleep, it happened again. And again.
Oh, screw this. I got up, put my leg and pants on, squirted glaucoma goop in my eyes, grumped down the ladder. Sometimes just shifting to vertical helps, and this seemed to. Let the dogs out, made some coffee, booted up the book. I was reading aloud, which is how I proofread, when I STARTED SHOUTING THE WORDSAAAARGGGHHH…damn, that hurts.
This is the first time I’ve had one of these in months, maybe over a year and that’s something like a record. For years after the amputation it was a real problem. I’d be out with friends or something when it would hit and I swear it hurt so bad I couldn’t control myself. And then it would pass, just that suddenly, and I’d have to talk everybody down, no really I’m fine, you didn’t just witness a grand mal seizure or anything it’s just this thing… It’s not nearly as bad now – I mean, the thing’s been off for over 40 years and it was supposed to go away entirely. But I’m one of the happy few for whom it never really went away. Strong nerve fibers, maybe, I dunno. Lucky me. Back then it was torture. I sweartagod, if Jack Bauer could have convinced me he could make it stop I’d have told him where the bomb was right frickin’ then.
One time – this was many years ago – I went back to the surgeon that cut my leg off in the first place. This was a different guy than the one who tried to re-attach it, and he did get my knee back together from tiny pieces and it does still work, so no bitterness or anything.
Anyway he said yeah, that happens sometimes. Then he said he could cut again but…he recited an extensive list of probable and certain downsides, and said the chances it would do any good were pretty much negligible so the best thing to do is rub some dirt on it and walk it off. I’ve been doing that for 42 years now.
Sorry. I’m just venting. It seems to be better now, which is usually the wrong thing to say.
EEGads, I’m sorry about that, Joel. As a pain management specialist, I dealt with patients with all kinds of neurological pain, and it is difficult to do anything for it at any stage. But phantom limb pain was the worst, and I only wish I could tell you how to make it stop permanently.
I will tell you that most patients I’ve talked to found that drinking alcohol made it worse. Even if they could get very drunk… which, of course, has its own downside otherwise. Alcohol is toxic to nerves, which obviously includes the brain. For some reason, phantom limb pain is in the brain, not the limb itself, and we don’t know what all triggers it, of course.
Clear as mud, unfortunately, but it’s something to think about perhaps. Hope it goes away again and stays away.
Grumped is my new word of the day and I really like it.
I AM sorry for your loss.
I have many chronic pains. Being arthritic, having a fused right hip (leg 3″ shorter) and diabetic neuropathy doesn’t help.
I’m certain it’s not to your pain level, but that doesn’t take away from it. The chronicness of it all, the futility, the anger.
There are a few of us gimps on the ‘net. I trust you are in communication with others.
Stay the course, my friend.
I’m thinking of you!
gfa
Oh, I’m not in need of any support groups. I have some pain, but most of the time my pain is like my tinnitus: It’s background noise to be ignored. This morning it was really hurting and at the front of my mind, so that’s what I wrote about.
Probably like you, I don’t identify myself by my pains. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and try to write a post about this.
Thanks, Joel. A biker buddy of mine had injured a foot & ankle 30-some years ago & it had bothered him since. A few years ago, it got screwed up, & given the option he told ’em to take it off. He said he wished he’d done it back then! Must’ve been bad.
This led to me wondering if I’d have been better off if they’d just taken the leg off. I’d have a functional prosthesis, instead of the, shall we say, less-than-optimal leg I have. They have amazing fake legs today, & I had great insurance at the time.
Nope. This post cured me for good of wondering about that. Thanks again.
Re: Support groups:
I saw a picture of a flyer that was advertising a support group that said “vegan?” and it was for vegans and vegan-curious people to meet and talk about vegan-stuff.
Next to it, someone had posted a flyer that said “Carnivore?” Then it went on to say “You probably don’t need a wimpy-assed support group. Keep being awesome!” It had a picture of a T-rex on it.
I subscribe to the rugged individualist male archetype – if you are a man, comfortable in your own skin, and confident in who you are, you don’t need a goddamned support group for bad things that happened to you..
Shitty things happen. Men deal with that and move on.
The choice to dwell on the bad is a choice that the individual makes.You can choose to dwell on it, and allow it to define you until you’re spending time in a support group, or you can fix the damn problem to the best of your ability, live with that which cannot be fixed, and move on.