I was looking around in the archive for something else entirely when I came upon this delightful ditty from our own Claire Wolfe, from last summer. Unfortunately it’s published at a place I no longer link to or promote in any way. But since it’s Claire, and I doubt she wants it to disappear completely (and anyway if she objects I’m fairly sure she’ll tell me so,) I’ve taken the liberty of reproducing it below the fold complete with internal links.
So fill a tankard, comrades, and bang the table along with me…
Run, You Cowards! Run!
They swaggered through the jewelry store.
They thought they’d have some fun.
They’d seen cool gangstas on YouTube.
Like those, they had a gun.
But then they nearly peed their pants
‘Cause the owner of the store
Emerged with loaded 12-gauge.
They went racing for the door.
Run, you cowards, run!
‘Cause you’re no match
you’re no match
For a grandpa with a gun!
The burglary looked easy.
The family was asleep.
So Lance thought he could have his way
And fill his pockets deep.
But Dad, he grabbed a .45
And Sonny a shotgun
While mom and frightened burglar
They both dialed 911!
Run, you coward, run!
‘Cause you’re no match
you’re no match
For a Texan and his son!
Mom and her twin children
Were alone behind closed doors
When a creeper with a crowbar,
He threatened rape — or more.
He tracked them to a crawlspace
Where they’d hoped they would be safe.
So when he broke the door down
That mom shot him in the face.
Run, you coward, run!
‘Cause you’re no match
you’re no match
For a Mama with a gun!
(He later got 10 years)
Alyssa was eleven,
The only one inside,
When invaders stormed the castle
And wouldn’t let her hide.
So Alyssa grabbed a boltie
That she’d just learned to plink.
It sent three bad guys scrambling,
Though single-shot and pink.
Run, you cowards, run!
‘Cause you’re no match
you’re no match
For a girly girl with gun!
(Or this girl, either)
The three thugs kicked the door in
One snowy Detroit night.
But the homeowner was ready
And she put up a fight.
The first shot didn’t scare them all.
She fired one time more.
And they went slippy-sliding
Through the ice outside her door.
Run, you cowards, run!
‘Cause you’re no match
you’re no match
For a lawfully held gun!
(Or these guns, either)
Now Samuel he was old and round
Not in the best of trim.
The thugs who robbed the ‘Net cafe,
They didn’t count on him.
Sam grabbed his gun and rushed them.
His bullets struck their mark.
Those robbers ran like rabbits
And got busted in the park.*
Run, you cowards, run!
‘Cause you’re no match
you’re no match
For an old man with a gun!
Vic heard some loon was shooting.
Two people now lay dead.
He grabbed up his Colt Python
And boldly ran ahead.
A cop’s life was in danger.
Vic’s shot was long and hard.
But he took down that killer.
From nearly 60 yards.
Your running days are done!
‘Cause you met your match
You met your match
In a hunter with a gun!
Shannon claims no good guy
Has ever used a gun
To foil a public shooting.
She says it isn’t done.
But countless people are alive
‘Cause someone else stood tall
Against both thugs and prejudice
In school, home, church, or mall.
So run, you liar, run!
‘Cause Shannon Watts,
You are no match
For the truth about our guns!
Thanks, Joel! I’d forgotten all about writing that, so it’s great you resurrected it. Seeing it “like new” again definitely made me want to grab a tankard and start banging tables along with you.
Great piece– now if we could only have Leslie Fish set it to music and perform.