Russians have hacked my Paypal account…

…possibly in collusion with DNC and white house staffers. AG Sessions, zealous enough in his prosecution of every other non-republican-donor thing on earth, shows a suspicious reluctance to investigate Paypal’s sudden propensity for crashing my computer every time I try to log on. Has no one at Paypal ever smoked marijuana? Or perhaps Paypal is the latest ATF conduit running guns into Mexico and blaming it on me? How do the Saudis fit into this sinister puzzle?

I found half a rabbit in my driveway last night during the evening walky, suggesting a Hillary connection that frankly makes my blood run cold. What did that bunny know, and why was it trying to contact me? If I disappear, avenge me.

I have received a mysterious communique from notorious hacker group Landlady Dot Com indicating that shadowy “generous donors” have inserted $187 into the account. Is this a false flag operation? Some sort of honey pot entrapment scheme? Or just some nice people helping old Uncle Joel buy some damned gasoline? How high does this conspiracy go?