Enhance your calm, friends. The rumors are false.

We’ve seen one example after another of the phenomenal success of protective laws, as those who give up liberty for security remain safe and secure, warm and well-fed for all their tranquil lives. Or at least until they are killed and eaten.

But the magic only works if these protective laws are detailed and specific. Last week in Boston we saw what happens when evildoers find a loophole in the essential laws which make life possible. The city fathers (one hates to criticize in the wake of such a tragedy, but the truth must be spoken) had negligently failed to pass specific laws against planting bombs at the finish lines of marathon races, and we’ve all seen what that brings. Next year’s race, armored by yet more of the right sort of laws, is assured to be perfectly safe.

But our republic has enemies domestic as well as foreign, and these domestic terrorists continue to spread the vile and unmutual falsehoods which disrupt the public’s calm and confidence in its benevolent institutions.

For example, there is no truth to the rumor that police officers involved in the courageous manhunt for the marathon bombers were killed or wounded in the line of duty. These rumors are known to be untrue, because they are simply impossible. The bombers, you see, could not have shot anyone because they could not possibly have had guns. And they could not have had guns, because…

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (AP) — A Massachusetts police official say the brothers suspected of bombing the Boston Marathon before having shootouts with authorities didn’t have gun permits.

Cambridge Police Commissioner Robert Haas tells The Associated Press in an interview Sunday that neither Tamerlan Tsarnaev (tsahr-NEYE’-ehv) nor his brother Dzhokhar had permission to carry firearms.

Go your way in peace then, friends, secure in the knowledge that you are surrounded and so effectively protected from harm by our sensible and impregnable wall of laws.