Exasperated grunt, and also an unexpected laugh

Most of yesterday was very pleasant here. Then in mid-afternoon the wind came up and I knew the predicted change was arriving. This morning…

Warm for the season, but windy and raining and yuck. Of course it isn’t supposed to last long. Still it put me in kind of a bad mood until I opened my email, and guess what! I’m being blackmailed!

Yup! (ugly letter below the fold)

Hi perv. I recorded you masturbating! I have captured ‘Joel.mp4’!
THIS IS NOT A JOKE – I AM DEAD SERIOUS!

Hi perv,

The last time you visited a p0rnographic website with teens,
you downloaded and installed software I developed.

My program has turned on your camera and recorded
the process of your masturbation.

My software has also downloaded all your email contact lists
and a list of your friends on Facebook.

I have both the ‘Joel.mp4′ with your masturbation
as well as a file with all your contacts on my hard drive.

You are very perverted!

If you want me to delete both the files and keep the secret,
you must send me Bitcoin payment. I give you 72 hours for payment.

If you don’t know how to send Bitcoins, visit Google.

Send 2.000 USD to this Bitcoin address immediately:

3MBuEeYA5FkWoDBR8VxEEooLb6JP8Pjsma
(copy and paste)

1 BTC = 3,580 USD right now, so send exactly 0.568279 BTC
to the address provided above.

Do not try to cheat me!
As soon as you open this Email I will know you opened it.

This Bitcoin address is linked to you only,
so I will know if you sent the correct amount.
When you pay in full, I will remove the files and deactivate my program.

If you don’t send the payment, I will send your masturbation video
to ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND ASSOCIATES from your contact list I hacked.

Here are the payment details again:

Send 0.568279 BTC to this Bitcoin address:

—————————————-
3MBuEeYA5FkWoDBR8VxEEooLb6JP8Pjsma
—————————————-

You саn visit police but nobody will help you. I know what I am doing.
I don’t live in your country and I know how to stay anonymous.

Don’t try to deceive me – I will know it immediately – my spy ware is
recording all the websites you visit and all keys you press.
If you do – I will send this ugly recording to everyone you know,
including your family.

Don’t cheat me! Don’t forget the shame and if you ignore this message your
life will be ruined.

I am waiting for your Bitcoin payment.

If you need more time to buy and send 0.568279 BTC,
open your notepad and write ’48h plz’.
I will consider giving you another 48 hours before I release the vid.

Anonymous Hacker

Yeah, there’s a couple of little problems with this threat. Exactly 2005 problems, to be more precise. I don’t have $2000 and anyone familiar with my “websites” would know that. I don’t do Facebook and never have. I’m far too innumerate to have ever figured Bitcoin out. Since I’m a hermit in the desert, it’s difficult to imagine an embarrassing jerk-off video doing a lot of damage. “Anonymous Hacker” would possibly do better picking on a businessman with something left to lose. A paranoid recluse does not leave the camera lens on his laptop uncovered. And anyway teen porn was never my kink. Asian porn, maybe.

Bring it on, I guess. A video of me attempting to masturbate would indeed be ugly, as would a video of me doing pretty much anything. So “Anonymous Hacker” got that part right. But in case I’m wrong about the above and you receive an unsolicited file marked joel.mp4, in your own interest you should give it a miss. Unless you’re just into the sight of hours of a smelly greybeard with prostate issues trying to…you know…