How did I end up the neighborhood constable?

Yesterday afternoon it finally warmed up after a few seasonably cool days and some snow. It was Sunday, Landlady had returned to self-quarantining in the city and nobody was likely to call. I stripped down and had a much-needed sink bath.

And I was not yet entirely clothed when I got a text:

Hi Joel
Just noticed a white van taking stuff out of the shed at [TC] place??

And I pulled on my BDUs and boots and my .44, and Torso Boy and I headed out in the Jeep to see what was going on at TC’s place. Almost time for afternoon chicken chores anyway.

It turned out to be nothing bad – good, actually, a nice older lady who’s in the process of buying the place. TC died a few years ago and everything there has been bleaching alone in the sun ever since. Might even get some hauling gigs out of it. But the irony of the situation did occur to me, as it always does. How did I, the sketchy cop-hating loner, end up becoming the neighborhood’s cop?

About Joel

You shouldn't ask these questions of a paranoid recluse, you know.
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18 Responses to How did I end up the neighborhood constable?

  1. Some people are born to jack-bootedness, others have jack-bootedness thrust upon them.

  2. You’re not a cop. No one is forced to pay for your services whether they want them or not, and if you started shooting people who didn’t grovel in front of you fast enough, you’d face consequences. You’re the good guy, not the Blue Line Gang Scum.

  3. Ben says:

    Because you dislike cops, you have (consciously or otherwise) put yourself in an area that’s mostly devoid of them. And so, just as with most things in the desert, you have to “make do”.

  4. DL says:

    Well Sir, you got the makings of a Mathew and Miss Kitty situation!

  5. R says:

    Sometimes Constable is an elected position…

  6. Steelheart says:

    For future reference, you might want to toss something with a bit more “authority” into the Jeep the next time you chose to actively look out for your neighbors.

    Yes, I’m making a difference between actively looking out for your neighbors and being given a tin star.

  7. Judy says:

    Because the locals hold you in high regard.

  8. Robert says:

    Steelheart: A .44 has enough authority to make me say “Yes, sir. No, sir.”

  9. Bill T says:

    My first irreverent thought was, Joel moves to the desert to be rid of “the man” now he are one. But obviously it’s because you are the one on the ground that everyone trusts. I would just add that one thing to to list that makes you richer than just money. Not that money isn’t nice.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Look in at a neighbour’s place to see if it’s flooding or the animals need hay. Go help offload a trailer at another neighbour, check out a report at another place because someone may be up to no good… I have some bad news for you Joel, welcome to the wonderful world of security with other duties as required thrown in. 😉

  11. Sendarius says:

    What are Robert Peel’s constables, other than those to whom the community delegates its authority to oppose evil-doers?

    Note carefully (I’m sure there’s a Latin phrase for that): I wrote “DELEGATE “. I most definitely did not write “ABDICATE”.

    Your circumstances don’t make you the neighbourhood cop, they make you the neighbourhood’s trusted delegate.

  12. Norman says:

    “Those who can, do.”

    I can’t remember whose quote it is, but there’s something about “when greatness is forced upon us….” You have the wherewithal – mentally, attitudinally, and armament-wise – so, welcome to (temporary) greatness.

    To echo Steelheart’s comment, something with longer reach and more than 6 rounds on tap might, indeed, prove handy, and I’m assuming you keep a pair of binocs in the jeep and its muffler is intact and fully functional; there are advantages to “surveying the scene” before actual arrival. Stories abound about skulduggery in remote deserts, (mostly around Vegas, but remote desert is remote desert. Notably, use of remote desert areas can work both ways….) and there’s the usual “discretion and valor, etc.” thing to consider. That said, untoward activities at one venue locale can easily spread to adjacent venues, so it’s a judgment call.

  13. Steelheart says:

    Yes, something with more than 5 rounds (Taurus Tracker is a 5 not 6 shot as it’s a medium frame) and a more effective range than a 4 inch sidearm.
    Yes, there are people who can hit things WAY OUT THERE with a sidearm but the rest of us are mere mortals.

    I don’t recall the details of you pile of ordnance but there is at least a couple long guns in the pile. For what you described, I’d prefer something with a longer effective range than a shotgun as well.

  14. matismf says:

    What kentmcmainigal said. While the Only Ones can shoot whom they wish when they wish, YOU do not have that “authoritah.” And I do not doubt that the “finest” in your area would be glad to hunt YOU down should you dare do so.

  15. anonymous says:

    Before you know it, you will have to be scanning the sky for a Bat Signal . . .

  16. SLee says:

    You are called because you are trusted by your neighbors.

  17. Kentucky says:

    One additional possibility.

    From the very few photos we’ve seen of you it is readily apparent that you could, given the proper situation, project a somewhat formidable appearance/demeanor if it were to seem a good idea.

    If all is well, a great big grin would ease the tension considerably.

    Face it . . . you are the local militia. 🙂 🙂 🙂

  18. mattexian says:

    There was a history book about the nearby Bolivar Peninsula, aptly titled “They Made Their Own Law,” that described the pioneers who settled the area, and how its geographic remoteness sometimes required a bit of frontier justice until the sheriff could be reached. Sounds like you’ve got a similar situation. At least you’re not driving up, looking like Mad Max, ready to take out the biker gang.

To the stake with the heretic!