I despise Apple.

Never really had an opinion about it before. Do as you will as long as you don’t harm me, that’s always been my motto. Or would be if I started having a motto.

Then a good friend gave me an iPhone. That was, what, a month ago? Now I hate Apple with every clichéd fiber of my being. Tomorrow I’m going to sneak into the big town so I can have “Die Apple Die” tattooed on my chest. And I don’t even think tattoos are a good thing. It just needs to be expressed.

Why do I hate Apple with such berserk fury, you might reasonably ask. After all, somebody just up and gave you a frickin’ smartphone. They’re cool.

Oh, the phone is completely neato. Don’t get me wrong. You’d have to pry it from my cold dead fingers. But 1) I’m not a technophobe but not a technophile, either. And now there’s a bunch of things to learn. Like how to load music. This should be the simplest thing in the world. It is not. Short of buying all new tunes from Apple, I’m not completely convinced it’s even possible. (As for iTunes: I do not know a single person who ever purchased, or even listened to, a Miley Cyrus song. Miley Cyrus could be beheaded by Muslim radicals while on fire and not upset me in any way. And that’s the only name on the iTunes front screen I even recognize.) 2)Every now and then I’m tempted to attempt actually dealing with Apple. Scenes like this are why thoughts of mass shootings occur to white guys. I just attempted to establish an “Apple ID.” Why do they make this difficult? I attempted 3 times to pick a password acceptable to Apple. Finally stopped because I like this phone and hurling it across the room would be childish and self-destructive. So I stopped.

I’m only writing this as therapy. I have to go feed horses and dogs now. I really, truly hate Apple. That is all.

About Joel

You shouldn't ask these questions of a paranoid recluse, you know.
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13 Responses to I despise Apple.

  1. Judy says:

    Amen Brother, Amen! What you speak of, is why Apple products aren’t even allowed in my household. I’m not an idiot/savant computer geek and Apple does not nor have they ever practiced KISS. And Microsoft has gotten just as bad. They have forgotten everything they were suppose to learn in Computer Programming 101, which is The End-User. They are too busy trying to impress each other and the boss with the next cool thing they can make 1s and 0s do, to remember Who is going to use it; How it is going to be used; and Why.

  2. Joel says:

    Mark, what the hell kind of link is that? The only intelligible thing it did is ask me if I want to share my location with T-Mobile. Why would I ever want to do that? Nothing else go through my script blocker, and I think I’m glad.

    I could set up some sort of “iCloud” thingy and put my tunes on it – or so I gather. I know I’m being repetitious but I like the phrase: Why would I ever want to do that? Do the people who dream up this sort of shit even bother putting curtains on their windows?

  3. Claire says:

    If it’s any comfort, Android isn’t any better — even aside from the fact that it’s evil Google.

    When TracFone forced me to get rid of my perfectly serviceable 2G phones, I replaced with a 3G dumbphone for everyday and an Android smartphone for backup and experimentation. The latter diabolically hides functions that used to be easy and obvious. It took away free games; now they must all be purchased. The camera sucks. Anytime I want anything new, I’m prompted either to open a Google account or a TracFone account. In short, the entire damn phone is a conspiracy to get me enlisted in tracking services. Screw that. And I also speak not as a technophobe, but just as someone who appreciates actual functionality without complications and dirty tricks.

  4. Chris M Lutz says:

    You need a computer with iTunes installed to get your own music onto your phone. Are you still running a Linux computer, or did I read that you’re using a Chromebook? I don’t believe that it’s possible from a Chromebook. There isn’t a directly Linux-compatible version of iTunes, but here’s guides on how to whack it into place.

    On Windows and Mac, it’s literally drag the music folder into iTunes and then create your playlists (in iTunes) and then select what playlists to add to your phone. It’s not as intuitive as I’d like, but it’s serviceable.

  5. Ben says:

    I hate Apple, and I despise their closed-platform/locked-down way of doing business. On the other hand, I love the I-phone hanging on my belt, so I totally understand the love-hate relationship Joel describes. In the name of “security” Apple crippled my account years ago, so I usually can’t add apps to my phone. Thus, My I-phone is about as simple as you can get,

    Yes, Android is Google, but at least Android is an open platform. Therefore, I don’t need Google’s permission to add apps to my Android device, so that’s the one I use for non-phone functions while my I-phone is mostly just a phone.

  6. Mark Matis says:

    It should have taken you to their page for the “Kyocera DuraForce PRO” which is a durable (mil standard 810g) android phone. Which is where my browsers take me when I click it…

    Tried it in Chromium (my primary), Chrome, and Brave.

  7. jabrwok says:

    A dedicated mp3 player would probably be better than trying to use the phone. If you need music, a playlist posted somewhere would probably see you getting flash drives full of music in your snail-mail box.

  8. Joel says:

    Mark, my browser is so old it’s able to read or even open fewer and fewer websites at all. Bear sent me a complete update but I chickened out. Probably that would fix it, but I’m gonna wait till I get somebody more confident looking over my shoulder. At least I’ve lost my last excuse about not having enough bandwidth.

  9. Joel says:

    jabrwok, I’ve about come to the conclusion that you’re right about that. I have a tablet I’ve been using pretty much exclusively as a boombox but the battery is giving up the ghost – and after only 10 months. Mediocre. Think I’ll just back up a technical generation and look for an MP3 player.

  10. Mark Matis says:

    You might try this Kyocera link then:
    http://www.kyoceramobile.com/duraforce-pro/

  11. Bear says:

    Hey, Joel. Find me a kinda weather resistant hut and I’d be happy to move back west to be the neighborhood IT guy.

  12. Mark Matis says:

    I think your battery hut is “kinda weather resistant”, Joel. And an IT guy oughta be fairly good with other “electronics” as well, no?
    }:-]

    You’ll never burn another hole in your winter gear!

To the stake with the heretic!