I know a business opportunity when I see one…

It seems that American universities have become so batshit burn-the-heretic crazy on the subject of political correctness that it is now virtually impossible to book speakers who won’t be picketed and banned before the speech ever takes place. Since the most vicious feuds are always the ones among allies, the hilariously predictable is now taking place – progressive academics are eating their own.

This week higher education’s ritualistic burning of college-commencement heretics spread to Smith College and Haverford College.

On Monday, Smith announced the withdrawal of Christine Lagarde, the French head of the International Monetary Fund. And what might the problem be with Madame Lagarde, considered one of the world’s most accomplished women? An online petition signed by some 480 offended Smithies said the IMF is associated with “imperialistic and patriarchal systems that oppress and abuse women worldwide.” With unmistakable French irony, Ms. Lagarde withdrew “to preserve the celebratory spirit” of Smith’s commencement.
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Berkeley’s Mr. Birgeneau is famous as an ardent defender of minority students, the LGBT community and undocumented illegal immigrants. What could possibly be wrong with this guy speaking at Haverford??? Haverfordians were upset that in 2011 the Berkeley police used “force” against Occupy protesters in Sproul Plaza. They said Mr. Birgeneau could speak at Haverford if he agreed to nine conditions, including his support for reparations for the victims of Berkeley’s violence.

Cue La Marseillaise and bring on the guillotines! It gets ugly from here, folks, all the way down.

Look, I’ve never actually glimpsed an Ivy League university campus but even I can see this situation is intolerable. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta sing, and colleges gotta have commencement addresses. I don’t know why, but you sure do hear a lot about them so they must be important.

And I believe this situation can easily be remedied by reducing it to a meaningless ritual, like so much else that happens in higher education. What college administrators need, to draw the poison as it were from the people they really want giving their speeches, is a sort of academic sin eater. This will be someone who can be initially booked for commencement addresses, with no intention that he or she will actually present the address, and then ritually thrown to the wolves so that everybody else can get on with business.

I offer my humble self in this capacity. My credentials are impeccable: My beliefs and practices are so completely toxic to any progressive that, should I ever actually appear at an academic podium, the entire assembly would be struck dead and burst into flames. Preventive protest is, therefore, assured. Book me as your next commencement speaker, stand back and enjoy the howls of outrage, and then give in to the righteous indignation and quietly replace me with the speaker you wanted in the first place.

And I work cheap! No Clinton rates here. For a low, low $1000* per aborted address, I will make this problem go away. Since there’s virtually no chance I’ll ever have to show up, travel expenses will never be an issue. Which is good, because I don’t use commercial air travel.

Book me now and avoid the rush! Though I don’t believe scheduling conflicts will ever arise: What are the chances I’d be required to actually address the students? Contact me at www.you_educated_idiots_are_so_f*cking_funny.com! Operators are waiting for your call!

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*hard money or commodity equivalents only, please: Checks, credit cards or FRNs not accepted.

H/T to Claire.