I’ve got a new “ugliest car I’ve ever seen!”

Yes, forget the Pontiac Aztec. That’s just got an unfortunate sense of style. Now comes the Nissan Cube!

I can only assume that in Japanese, “Cube” (no doubt pronounced “Koo-Bay” means “exciting, dynamic shape.” Because otherwise, why would you give a car such a dumb name?

But this is truly a cube – albeit an unusually asymmetrical one. The thing with the single rear roof pillar: It’s genius, I tell you!

I used to work for Nissan, way back when. I decided a long time ago that “Nissan” is Japanese for “stupid marketing strategy,” and they truly based their entire business model around it. Remember the Infiniti G45? Released at the same time as the first-generation Lexus, which looked and drove like somebody at Toyota had used tracing paper on a Mercedes ad, the G45 was a raucous, over-powered, poorly-slung abortion of a sedan with a marketing campaign that involved rocks and streams. Nobody knew what Nissan was even trying to sell until they finally unveiled the car, and then (wisely) nobody wanted it. Remember the “three-sedan strategy?” Of course you don’t! Why would you? Nissan: Good cars, rotten marketing. Bad enough back when the home company let Nissan USA do its own US marketing, but lately it’s just been … breathtaking.

But this one: This one is a masterpiece. I can see, in my mind’s eye, American marketing execs in a conference room, surrounded by posters of this new…whatever it is, eying the suspended ceiling grid and wondering if it would support nooses.

Seriously, this thing would be ugly in the dark.

About Joel

You shouldn't ask these questions of a paranoid recluse, you know.
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4 Responses to I’ve got a new “ugliest car I’ve ever seen!”

  1. Joel have you perchance forgotten the Gremlin? or the very exciting pacer with that bizarro window configuration?Yes your example is …er….not exactly esthetically …pleasing but it is no Gremlin……

  2. Anonymous says:

    Hey, hey, hey. Watch it with the anti-Gremlin hate speech there. My very first car was a Gremlin. A chartreuse Gremlin (although I’m sure the marketing department probably called it “Green Apple” or something).

    I thought it was cuter’n a VW Bug.

  3. Joel says:

    Gremlin was…aesthetically challenged. Most of us would agree with that. But at least it was shooting for cute. Plus, AMC in its death throes was really reaching, stylistically, so we have to give a little room.

    The Cube, though…Who names a car the Cube? Though I must admit it’s certainly descriptive.

  4. esthetically….aesthetically , potatoe…potato. Must…. remember…. to spell check. 🙂

To the stake with the heretic!