My theory: New Zealand’s PM is out of his tiny mind.

Possums, stoats and other introduced pests to be killed in ‘world-first’ extermination programme unveiled by PM

They say they want to kill every rat, possum and stoat – which I think is a pig – in all New Zealand. I say you could carpet bomb NZ with napalm and not exterminate the rats and possums. Not so sure about the pigs.

Okay, I had to look up what a stoat is. Turns out to be a sort of weasel, rather like a ferret. Maybe it is a ferret.

My prediction: At best this extermination program will fail ignominiously. At worst it’ll wipe out a lot of things besides rats, possums and weasels.

Their spoken reason for this jihad is to save native species. Any extermination program that could rid a subcontinent of Norway rats is absofrickin’lutely guaranteed to kill every last kiwi first.

No, Mr. Key. You’re stuck with the rats. You can keep the weasels down by putting a YUUUGE bounty on them and marketing the hides. To convince people to hunt out the possums, you’ll need a really good incentive. I suggest forgetting the poison, traps, napalm and air-dropped nerve agents, and just broadcast Alabama possum recipes.

Maybe you should give this one a miss…

h/t ML

About Joel

You shouldn't ask these questions of a paranoid recluse, you know.
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9 Responses to My theory: New Zealand’s PM is out of his tiny mind.

  1. Ben says:

    Think “Atoms for Peace” or “Operation Plowshare”. Yes, I really mean it. Nuke the little bastards into the stone age!

    http://www.slate.com/articles/technology/future_tense/2015/09/project_plowshare_the_1950s_plan_to_use_nukes_to_make_roads_and_redirect.html

  2. Robert Evans says:

    There have been several small islands that have been successfully cleared of rats – – at least one in the Aleutians, I seem to recall – – but this is a much bigger project. Don’t know how much success they will have with it.

  3. Robert says:

    What about the rabbits? And the cane toads?

    I’ve read that some of the our state’s Dept of Natural Resource experts are saying that we should adopt the attitude of acceptance towards invasive stuff as it is merely the way of nature and not, um, un-natural. In other words, give up.

    On to politics. Anyone who can come up with an actual workable plan to rid the world of mosquitoes and ticks gets my vote…

  4. Robert says:

    Crap, reading failure/excessive tequila. You said New Zealand, not Australia. Nevermind.

  5. Buck says:

    I think “Shoats” is what you had in mind for pigs.

  6. Sendarius says:

    The New Zealand government has worked hard to establish a market for possum fur.

    They have created a bounty scheme, and promoted a luxury fabric made by combining possum fur with fine merino wool. As a result the fashion industry drives demand for possum fur and pelts.

    Hunters target the damn things for the money, and being able to buy suppressors over the counter at most hardware stores is just a bonus.

  7. jabrwok says:

    I wonder what kiwi tastes like. If they’re tasty enough, and domestic-able, then the best way to ensure their survival is to market them. Chicken, turkey, pig, and cow are in no danger of going extinct.

  8. Joel says:

    Yeah. Thanks, Buck, I think you’re right. That was bugging me.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Bacon.

To the stake with the heretic!