I’m such a jerk. The part of this that most bothers me is that my oldest sibling actually hopped into a car and drove the length of the country to my father’s bedside. The thought of doing that never once crossed my mind, and probably wouldn’t have even if it had been possible.
While I was painting the Lair, the following email arrived:
Joel, it happened last night. [Oldest sibling] arrived from [name of state] just a couple of hours before the event.
After his hip surgery, dad never recovered. He was never able to get out of bed by himself, and never recovered his balance despite regular physical therapy. He would get sick for days, and then rally and seem to improve. But looking back over the last few weeks, it’s clear that his general trajectory was always downhill. I had become clear that he was never coming home, because [personal stuff]. So the best future we could realistically hope for dad was exactly what nobody wants, long term care.
Even that turned out to be impossible. Starting about last Friday, Dad had become very confused. Then came the fall from bed, and you know the rest of the story. The fall is a terrible shame, but it probably saved him a few weeks of misery.
He died calmly and without pain.
You have received some good advice from your readers. You can’t change your past, but you are under no obligation to relive it. So save the parts of your past that you like, and then let loose of the remaining garbage.
Yeah. Older Brother reads the blog.
Dying at 97 is a miracle, not a tragedy. And he actually kept his marbles for all but the very last part of the trip. He didn’t have a very happy life for much of it, bad things happened to him repeatedly and he never displayed a lot of adaptability, and Teenage Joel kind of held that against him – which Adult Joel knows is unfair as hell. Especially in light of my own record on that score.
I’m happy my brother was there, and also kind of sad it all landed on him. He’s, like, the only really nurturing member of the family and I’ve often thought he deserved a better one than he got. Never mentioned it, but when I got all blown up back in 1972 he about made himself sick taking care of me and that went on for months.
And then there’s my daughter – I never even introduced her to her grandfather, but she made the effort to get to know him herself and now she’s taking this harder than I am.
So that happened, and surviving members of the family rallied around, and I’m a hermit in the desert and I’m going to go tend the chickens and then have a late breakfast.
Note to older brother: Thank you. Thanks for taking care of your dad and thanks for being such a good brother to Joel. He has mentioned before how you helped him when he lost his leg.
These must be tough days for you, but you speak well and wisely about what you’re going through. Best to you.
Blessings to big brother from an old hospice nurse. I hope you will that all the credit due for making your father as comfortable as possible, and just being there for him and being willing to let him go at his own pace. It truly does make all the difference.
I hope you will TAKE all the credit due.
Should not be eating lunch and typing at the same time. 🙂
I am truly sorry for your loss regardless of your relationship.
Yep, 97 is pretty danged impressive.
My condolences, again. Some folks are meant to occupy the caregiving part, some aren’t, nothing wrong with that. Just the reality of life. Having dealt with dad passing (August 4, 1986), and mom heading into that great mystery (August 28, 2014), in the end all is usually well for those that are heading out. Lots of forgiveness to dole out, and it’s meant sincerely. Lots of thanks too, I’ll bet, that you are who you are.
As mom said, when I was talking to her a few days before…”no guilt, and no regrets, right?” “Yeah, Mom. No guilt, and no regrets”.
stay strong, and keep yourself occupied during the next few months!
Joel, condolences to you and your brother. I think that regardless of whether it feels like a loss, it is a change that may trigger various unpleasant feelings. My experience suggests that it’s necessary to feel those feelings now so they don’t sneak up on you at some inopportune time in the future(BTDT passed on the t-shirt).
For better or worse, your parents raised 2 strong and decent men who we, your friendly readers, are proud to be acquainted with.
Joel, my deepest condolences. I lost my dad in 2005. For the first few years, at the oddest moments, I would, out of the clear blue, suddenly feel moments of intense regret I wasn’t there when he passed. A sibling was there, but I was not. But, I soon learned I could still talk to him. And, I have only grown more convinced that he is in a much better place, where his pain for the last 5 years of his life has truly ended.
Feelings are real. They are natural. Don’t be surprised as they jump out at the oddest moments. The pain does not go away totally, but it does change. And, good memories will also jump out even if you don’t expect them to. They still do for me. And that is continuing 10 years later.
Joel, I’ve enjoyed your website so very much; you are a talented writer. And my great sympathies for your loss. I’ve been, quite literally, curled up on the kitchen floor with pain from the death of my loved one. But help is out there if you ask for it, I know.
I’d send you a bottle of Drambuie or Rex Goliath Free Range Red if I could. Big Alcohol isn’t the answer, but a bit at the right time can be a good thing. Toast your Dad and know that he’s gone home.
Joel,
Condolences to you, your brother and your daughter.
Hugs, to you and your brother and daughter. Be cautious as you go about your day; grief can cause the mind to wonder when you least need it to.
So sorry.