My god, you suck.
You know, amid all the dying philanthropists and embezzling bureaucrats that make up the more entertaining portion of my daily spam, I also (for reasons unfathomable, since I’m transparently not running a conventional business here) get a lot of Search Engine Optimization solicitations. Most are better – or at least briefer – than the example below…
Dear Joelsgulch ,
Hope this email finds you well.
We are an Internet Application Development company; we have been progressively growing over 4 years of operations. Our designers and developers have been delivering their best by pushing their creative horizons.
We can help you with your website www.joelsgulch.com with the following services given below.
• Logo Design
• Graphic Design
• Custom Web Design
• Corporate Website Design
• Website Redesign
• SEO Services (15 days of SEO free with web redesign services)
• Facebook Ads & Social Media Design
• E-Commerce Web Design
• PSD to xHTML and WordPress conversion.
• Mobile Apps Development
I’d be happy to send you our package, pricing and past work details, if you’d like to assess our work. Feel free to discuss any other queries we are just an Email /Phone away.
I shall look forward to hear from you soon.
Our interests are your interests; your success is our success.
Note: The above email has been sent to the owner of [REDACTED], If you dont want to receive any further newsletter please do Unsubscribe by email
Where to start? How about the very first line? “Dear joelsgulch”? Seriously? Way to sell that ‘my interests are your interests’ tagline.
Do you see a logo? Anywhere? Why would I need it redesigned?
“Custom web design, corporate website design AND website redesign?” All that in one company? Wow. When do you find time to sleep?
Joel’s Gulch is clearly a hobby blog. Yeah, I went all Patreon and shit a while back and that seems to have sold my address far and wide and brought you mass-mailing amateurs out of the woodwork but for god’s sake. You couldn’t have at least glanced at the website before offering me all this customization?
Finally and so help me god, if I have to “unsubscribe” from something I would never in life have subscribed to in the first place, I will find a way – if I have to study for years and re-invent myself like Bruce frickin’ Wayne – to spam your ass into unplugging every computer you ever pass for the rest of your life.