Open Letter: Dear Alex at hiketraffic.com…

My god, you suck.

You know, amid all the dying philanthropists and embezzling bureaucrats that make up the more entertaining portion of my daily spam, I also (for reasons unfathomable, since I’m transparently not running a conventional business here) get a lot of Search Engine Optimization solicitations. Most are better – or at least briefer – than the example below…

Dear Joelsgulch ,

Hope this email finds you well.

We are an Internet Application Development company; we have been progressively growing over 4 years of operations. Our designers and developers have been delivering their best by pushing their creative horizons.

We can help you with your website www.joelsgulch.com with the following services given below.

• Logo Design

• Graphic Design

• Custom Web Design

• Corporate Website Design

• Website Redesign

• SEO Services (15 days of SEO free with web redesign services)

• Facebook Ads & Social Media Design

• E-Commerce Web Design

• PSD to xHTML and WordPress conversion.

• Mobile Apps Development

I’d be happy to send you our package, pricing and past work details, if you’d like to assess our work. Feel free to discuss any other queries we are just an Email /Phone away.

I shall look forward to hear from you soon.

Best Regards,

S. Alex

Business Consultant

Our interests are your interests; your success is our success.

Note: The above email has been sent to the owner of [REDACTED], If you dont want to receive any further newsletter please do Unsubscribe by email

Where to start? How about the very first line? “Dear joelsgulch”? Seriously? Way to sell that ‘my interests are your interests’ tagline.

Do you see a logo? Anywhere? Why would I need it redesigned?

“Custom web design, corporate website design AND website redesign?” All that in one company? Wow. When do you find time to sleep?

Joel’s Gulch is clearly a hobby blog. Yeah, I went all Patreon and shit a while back and that seems to have sold my address far and wide and brought you mass-mailing amateurs out of the woodwork but for god’s sake. You couldn’t have at least glanced at the website before offering me all this customization?

Finally and so help me god, if I have to “unsubscribe” from something I would never in life have subscribed to in the first place, I will find a way – if I have to study for years and re-invent myself like Bruce frickin’ Wayne – to spam your ass into unplugging every computer you ever pass for the rest of your life.

Best regards,

Joel

About Joel

You shouldn't ask these questions of a paranoid recluse, you know.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Open Letter: Dear Alex at hiketraffic.com…

  1. Mark Matis says:

    One could always automatically forward each of their solicitations to one’s favorite “LaW Enforcement” entity. Of course, that might draw more attention to one than one might want, but it would also send some attention to the spammer.

  2. Kentucky says:

    PS . . . Nasty letter to follow.

  3. Bear says:

    Eh, they mine domain registrations for contacts to hit up. I get a new wave of this spam every time I register a new domain (ReparationsR.Us) is getting a lot right now). If any of ’em actually offer any of the claimed services, I’d be amazed; I figure they’re just fishing for confirmed gullible addresses to sell to other scammers.

  4. Joel says:

    That makes more sense than the service supposedly being offered, since as far as I can see the website being advertised doesn’t exist. I was not, of course, stupid enough to actually reply.

  5. Zelda says:

    Maybe phishing but there are enough odd uses of English that I’d be more likely to think any contact with them or clicking on anything in the message would result in some kind of malware on your computer and maybe a takeover of it for ransom.

  6. Kentucky says:

    Yeah, there’s enough “offshore” vibe there to initiate caution.

  7. Zelda says:

    PS There is a company called HIKE in India, does a lot of communications related things. Didn’t see these services listed.

To the stake with the heretic!