Augason Farms 48-hour emergency food supply review, Pt. 3: Lactose Intolerance rears its, er, head.

Alas, this isn’t going to go eight days, or anything like eight days. For my sins I spent most of the afternoon fearful of moving too far from a toilet.

My undoing was one of the tub’s principal entrées, Creamy Chicken Rice.


Curiously, this package was also marked “8 portions,” which means the lunch and dinner entrées are consistently twice as big as the breakfasts. Sounds racist.

Let it be said that Augason Farms Creamy Chicken Rice is damned near terrible. Also, “creamy rice” is not a good emergency food for a number of practical reasons. First: When you cook creamy soup you leave the pot open and stir frequently. When you cook rice, you cover the pot and let it simmer for upwards of half an hour. When you cook creamy rice, you leave the pot open and stir constantly for upwards of half an hour while occasionally adding water to keep the whole thing from setting up like plaster. Bad enough on a beautiful stress-free Sunday afternoon. You want to try it during a hurricane or a sharknado or the end of the world as we know it or whatever drove you to pull the seal off the tub?

Second, any Mountain House mix I ever effortlessly rehydrated tastes better than this shit.

Third, as mentioned above, toilet. Lots of toilet. The creamy potato soup had me a bit rumbly yesterday but didn’t set me off. The creamy rice did the trick.

And I’m still not in any mood for supper, which would have been mac and cheese.

We’ll do the mac and cheese tomorrow. But then I think we’ll be drawing our eight-day trial to a close in two and a half days, with a round-up post.

About Joel

You shouldn't ask these questions of a paranoid recluse, you know.
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10 Responses to Augason Farms 48-hour emergency food supply review, Pt. 3: Lactose Intolerance rears its, er, head.

  1. Zelda says:

    Mountain House is the best, maybe a bit salty. Stock up on their cans and pouches. You can keep them in the tub after you dump the Augason stuff.

  2. Ben says:

    Precisely, at least you get a storage tub out of the deal.

  3. Mark Matis says:

    TWO storage tubs!

  4. Kentucky says:

    Repeating my earlier link . . .

    . . . note the relative ranking of the Augason products with respect to all the rest.

  5. Mark Matis says:

    Maybe BB doesn’t like you quite as much as you think, Joel!

    Or maybe he thought it was time for you to have a “moving” experience…

  6. Zelda says:

    Kentucky thanks for that link. I didn’t know about it but really appreciate the information and have saved it.
    Earlier this year I found some more than 10 year old Mountain House pouches in a box of backpacking stuff and tried to eat it. Don’t. The cans may last 25 years but the regular pouches have an expiration date much shorter than that and they mean it. I couldn’t even swallow the pouch food, have no idea what it had metamorphosed into, don’t really want to know, but it wasn’t edible.

  7. Dan F says:

    “For my sins I spent the afternoon fearful of being too far from a toilet. ”

    This is the best sentence I have read in a good long while. Laughing so hard I can’t see. Thank you + 1000000 Thank you.

  8. Zendo Deb says:

    Food allergies are a real problem for the emergency ration packs. My emergency rations include rice and beans. (lots of rice and beans) in the 25-yr-shelf-stable packaging. Other stuff too. But you can leave out all the “fancy stuff” like creamy anything. Or any Mexican stuff (wheat is in everything.)

  9. Joel says:

    I spent a winter on beans and rice. It was ten years ago and I can still barely face them. That was the winter where I began to meditate on the difference between surviving and living.

  10. Kentucky says:

    And that’s something I’ll bet all too few consider when planning for “survival” post-whatever-disaster they anticipate.

To the stake with the heretic!