…and so I hereby make the following full and public acknowledgement: On or about October 2016 I mumbled the word “Trump” while wishing for the failure of the Hillary Clinton campaign, in a room which contained a bottle of vodka.
I can see now that this was clear collusion on the part of Donald Trump with unnamed shadowy Russian apparatchiks, through the medium of my subconscious brain.
I eagerly await on-air interviews with CNN and NPR news reporters, for the customary considerations of Spam, AK ammunition and cheap bourbon. I also stand ready to cooperate fully with the Senate Intelligence Committee.
(I’m spending far too much time in the Jeep at high altitude, where radio reception is good enough to listen to NPR “news”readers gas on and on and on about the evils of the Trump administration. I think it’s beginning to get to me.)