I’d like to use the Internet now, please.

As first-world problems go, this one isn’t quite in the class of a cholera outbreak. After all I lived quite happily without this “Internet” thing until I was well over 30 years old. On the other hand it isn’t like I’m complaining about a balky forced downshift in my Aston’s transmission, either.

Sit back for just a moment and savor the irony of this with me, won’t you? I may be the only genuine desert hermit you know. I live in a tiny hand-made cabin built largely from salvage ‘way the hell off the grid, rarely eat meat I didn’t kill, cut all my own winter wood, wear second-hand slogan t-shirts and surplus camo because it’s what I can afford, and occasionally fight off predators with guns. I have no hot running water because it’s an unnecessary frill, and my dwelling is designed to get along without electricity. All in all I’m a relatively hard guy, if I do say it myself. But the lack of Internet access makes me whine like a little girl. Not long ago I could wake in the night with an urge to read the history of the dirigible, or look up the spelling of “cholera,” or watch a video of Roy Orbison performing Ooby Dooby, or maybe maintain this blog, then rise from my bed and actually do that. Now I can’t. I miss it.

There are three modern conveniences I have lived without but will go to substantial lengths to acquire because they so massively improve life: Running water which makes hygiene practical. Electricity which brings me bright light, communications, fresh-ground coffee, and a computer with all that implies. And the Internet, which brings the whole world to my little Lair.

Okay: Four, including cooking with propane. Everything else I can and do go without quite cheerfully. But I want those things.

Unfortunately Wildblue, my Internet provider, doesn’t find it all that important. Granted that last Saturday the service technician did show up on time. But what he showed up on time for was a big thunderstorm, and he turned around and left without ever leaving his truck. The service call was rescheduled for Thursday the 19^th, which alert readers will note was yesterday. Then without warning they arbitrarily re-rescheduled it to September 28^th. I thought Wildblue service sucked before it stopped working entirely and they started jerking me around.

If the water stops, or the electricity craps out, or something goes wrong with the propane, I can fix that. All those things have happened. I fixed them. I installed them in the first place, didn’t I? But what the hell can I do when the satellite modem stops connecting? For the first time since I moved away from the city, I am completely at the mercy of a service call. Which isn’t happening.

So Landlady, bless her heart, is helping me research other carriers. Which is a lot easier when you can get on the *&^% Internet. Cellular hotspots appear to have improved to the point where this satellite dish may be about to become debris on my junk pile, and we’ll experiment with one next week if all goes well.

But the solution is probably weeks away. I can’t just walk into a Verizon store, after all.