Old men in shorts

Sorry for the no posting, it’s just hot here and nothing’s going on. Sort of an all-week siesta.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s such a thing as too many pockets: I was looking all over for the tiny pile of little plastic bags in which reside those S&W screws I bought a month or so ago. I got multiples of the ones I replaced because the previous owner chingered them up, against the inevitable day when I chinger the new ones up – and then I put the bags somewhere clever instead of where they belonged and couldn’t find them anywhere. I was thinking I’d have to order more yet, when…

I decided it was going to be another hot one and there are no prospects of running into any people so I could go ahead and drag the shorts back out. And guess what was in one of the cargo pockets? So now the bags of S&W screws are in my cleaning box where they belong, and will be there when I need them unless I completely forget they’re there, which has happened.

And that, since my mind has been completely idle lately, got me to thinking about…shorts. I’ve always been a little sensitive about wearing short pants and not necessarily for the obvious reason – my aversion to them long predated the Long John Silver do-over. But I live alone – like completely alone, I might not see more than 2 people in a week and I used to be more solitary than that – and one summer afternoon it was so bloody hot I just spontaneously cut off my oldest BDUs just below the cargo pockets and hemmed them up. Then five or so years ago when J&H moved away and left all that stuff for me to sort through and dispose of, he had ditched a couple pairs of cargo shorts and they come out in the worst of the heat.

I never wear them in public, though, and sometimes come up with needlessly complicated psychological excuses for that when it probably boils down to vanity. It’s not a big emotional issue with me but it is a mutilation and in person I’m ugly enough without it. I don’t like being stared at.

That’s not a unanimous opinion among the, ehem, amputee community*. I’ve seen shorts-wearing amputees, one quite recently, who ought to have been wearing “Ask me how I lost it” t-shirts. And I’ve done it myself, in the long past: Show up one-legged on a Florida dive boat, and you’re a star even if you barely know what part of the regulator to stick in your mouth.

Sigh – gonna be another hot one, and more so from my own doing. I can’t put off baking day any longer.

It’s nine in the morning and the oven is just heating up as I type this – and I swear I can feel the heat on my right shoulder. Probably won’t get much more than that done today.

But Ian’s coming up for more gun videoing this weekend! So maybe we’ll get some blog fodder out of that.

* And by the way – Charlize Theron played a one-armed woman in a movie a few years ago and I wonder if we can get her denounced and cancelled for surgical appropriation or something? Not because I care, just because that would be funny.

About Joel

You shouldn't ask these questions of a paranoid recluse, you know.
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11 Responses to Old men in shorts

  1. Beans says:

    As long as, pardon me, your junk and your poot hole are covered, then what needs to be covered is all up to you, and nobody else.

    I know a guy who wears, basically, Daisy Dukes in any weather hotter than 85 F. With combat boots, and a t-shirt. It ‘works’ for him.

    So go ahead and wear your cargo shorts. Heck, I wear cargo shorts all year long, except for the odd walking-the-dog-at-4am-during-winter-in-sweat-pants, all year long, because it’s either hot outside or hot inside (never have understood people who complain about over 80 F outdoor temps but, when it gets cold, turn up the inside temps to… 80+F. Thus, cargo shorts year long.

    Now, if I was running around on an electric bike in the desert? Pants. But since I’m not, cargo shorts.

  2. TK421a says:

    Up here in southern Ontario, it’s been in the low to mid-nineties for the last couple of weeks. Add humidity into the mix and it feels like a hundred plus. With temperatures like that, no matter how ugly my white chicken-like legs are, you will not catch me wearing long pants.

  3. Ben says:

    My basic life’s uniform is t-shirt and cargo shorts. Don’t care what others think, they don’t have a vote in the matter.

  4. BobF says:

    Inside, cargo shorts and shower clogs. Outside behind the fence or working in the garage, maybe swap clogs for sneakers or boots (safety). Beyond the fence (check mail), add T-shirt. Wife knows I’m going out/away when I put socks on (“dressing up”), car keys will follow shortly. At my age I am in no obligation to impress anyone.

  5. Robert says:

    “Show up one-legged on a Florida dive boat”
    Sorry, I used to dive regularly and working with disabled people has made me jaded, so…my immediate giggling thought was “How does he keep from swimming in circles?” Assymetrical thrust and whatnot, y’know. Feel free to delete my idiotic comment. 🙂

    Oh, and as if I had a say, I vote for shorts. Somebody stares, tell ’em screw Goth, you’re going for the new Mech look.

  6. Jim Price says:

    I think you need to fit your old socket with a hand carved wooden peg. Then next time you go to town, wear that, shorts, and an eye patch. And make sure you have someone taking video.

  7. Spud says:

    Yeah shorts are definitely a way of life here in Fladuh. When we aren’t in swim trunks !

  8. BobF says:

    @Spud 6′ 6″ wooden fence in Central FL. Wife yells when I put the garbage out to the side yard in my boxers. I say same as swim trunks especially from distance between fence cracks. I lied about cargo shorts indoors. Don’t need pockets. Well, sometimes. Betting Joel fibs, too. 🙂

  9. Spud says:

    Bob F.
    This is why I’ve often wondered what all the fuss is about , those running around with low pants. So what you can see their underwear ! Stupid all the way around…
    Cloths are for protection or warmth.

    Or covering up your ugly fat body parts…

  10. Tennessee Budd says:

    I’m not an amputee, just nearly so, & I used to be self-conscious about my scarred-up leg (it’s made children cry, at least twice). Nowadays, not so much–I’ll wear shorts, I just don’t usually go shirtless. The leg is bad, but my gut is worse, & it’s not scarred.

  11. mattexian says:

    Finally broke out my cargo shorts last month, after resisting it the last couple summers. I had the excuses, spending too much time in doctor’s offices/ hospitals, taking various meds which advise against sun exposure, or being tired after putting in an honest half-day’s work, all part of being a recovering cancer survivor.

    If all else fails, I’ve got a Utilikilt, tho it’s saved for special occasions, like RenFaire. There’s other makers now for utility kilts, so it’s easier to find one without emptying the bank account. My main advice is dont make my rookie mistake of buying a black one, thinking it can be an all-purpose “little black dress.” Any time sitting in direct sunlight justs bakes it, and while sitting, there’s none of that beloved airflow. There’s plenty of other *masculine* colors available, like khaki, OD, various camo prints, as well as the traditional plaids.

    Regarding the cyberleg, maybe you could make a statement with it, getting a design wrap, like an American, Arizona, or Gadsden flag. Heck, even go full pirate, with a Calico Jack!

To the stake with the heretic!